This Is Who I Will Be

Dear Max,

Your cute little face and sunny smile warmed up San Diego when we went to visit. While you are always the source of such joy for me, there was a special beauty in bringing you home to the place where I grew up.

I loved watching your eyes when we sat together by the front window at Baubee's house. Your little body is usually one big wiggle, as you take in the world around you. But you were mesmerized by the view of San Diego, as you sat with me in the chair that has been my favorite since I was a little girl. Your body was still as your eyes got big and wide, and you found a quiet peace in what was always Mommy's favorite "thinking spot". Max, you were "home" with me, and I think that you knew that there was something very special about going back to the place where Mommy began.

As we drove through the streets of PB, and walked into my favorite coffee shop, and looked out at my favorite views, I could almost see myself at 14, at 16, at 24. I was right over there in that window seat, laughing with high school friends. Walking right along the shore line, feeling the familiar warmth of the sand on a summer day. Driving right up over that hill to look at the fancy doors on fancy houses. All the time wondering, "Who Will I Be?"

Will I grow up to be strong and independent? Will I find a job that will help people? Will I be able to turn some of the sadness that I've seen into keeping other people safe? Will I make new friends? Will I do well in college? Will I find a husband who is amazing and loves me for all of the crazy things that make me unique? And most importantly, will I get to be a mom? Tell me God, who will I be?

THIS IS WHO I WILL BE.

And when I was finally a grown-up, I would always pick the seat on the airplane that would give me the best view of the city whenever I flew back in. And I would say quietly to myself "There's the Cortez. There's Mister A's. There's the Coronado bridge. Look at the ocean!"

Many years later, when I was lucky enough to be falling in love with the man who would be your Daddy, I would hold his hand as we flew in, and whisper to him "See those ships?! And that, right there? That's downtown!".

My heart was pounding with joy when we flew in to San Diego together with you, nestled against your Daddy's chest on the airplane. We flew gently over the city where I grew up, and grew wings, and I whispered quietly to you in your Daddy's lap. "Do you see the water Max? Look, there's the Coronado bridge!" You took in all of the bright lights through the tiny window, and I saw the reflection of your round little face in the skyline of my childhood.

Looking at my kind, handsome husband, and my darling, beautiful son, I knew without a doubt that I had made it through to the other side of growing up. I had arrived at the place that I had always dreamed of.

This is who I will be. This is who I was ALWAYS meant to be.

Love,

Mommy